Nothing’s Popping Out!

In January 2017, I finally got a name for the fertility issues I had been dealing with since I was young woman. When my OBGYN said Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, my hearing faded out. I didn’t know much about PCOS, but I knew that it was making my life difficult. I looked at the ultrasound of my ovaries and was shocked to see the “pearls” that were crowding each one. The doctor pointed out that one had 12+ cysts and the other 18+. I was making eggs. They just weren’t releasing during supposed ovulation. All I could think was “No wonder I can’t get pregnant. Nothing’s popping out!” Since that moment, I have started taking so many pills and supplements that I can count the days I felt 100% well on both hands. (Apologies to my husband, Steve, for all of the mood swings.) I ended up in the ER once because Clomid is my enemy. All of those pills couldn’t get me to ovulate, but I lose weight! Have to go through it all to become a mom.

I may have gotten pregnant twice in my entire life. I had a positive in May 2016 and August 2017, but those disappeared before I could see a doctor. After a few months of trying, my younger sister is pregnant and due in April. This revelation that my sister didn’t have to struggle makes me so happy. This new baby is so exciting and heart breaking at the same time. I cannot wait to be an aunt, but I still want motherhood.

I turned 35 in July 2017 so now I am concerned with the dangers associated with age.

Steve and I have been trying to start a family since we got married in April 2016. My chemical pregnancies still hurt emotionally. I knew I had fertility issues before I was ever diagnosed with a specific one. I have dealt with fertility problems for many years, even in my first marriage when I wasn’t seeking help. (Yep, Steve is my second husband.)

My regular OBGYN is amazing and so helpful, but she and I believe that it is time for the experts. Soon, I will start going to a fertility specialist and down a new path.

Even though this is part of my life and Steve’s life, I try to not let it get me down. Do I have my bad days? YES! I cried in the shower today.  Do I feel sick from the medicine I have to take? 100 times yes! Do I sometimes cry at pregnancy and birth announcements? Yes, I am only human. Do I want to talk to my sister about her pregnancy? Not all of the time. She is an awesome little sister and understands when I can’t talk. Do I feel alone sometimes? Yeah, it has been hard. Do I feel sick all the time because of the PCOS? God, yes. I want to go to sleep now. Will I give up? Nope. Never. I sometimes want to, but I don’t.

I hope to use this blog to document all of the ups and downs as I go on this journey with Steve. Feel free to comment and send questions.

Now, let me go find more of that water.

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