Hope and Disappointment

Well, here we are again: the beginning of an IUI cycle. Part of me feels like I have a lot riding on this cycle. (More below.) The second part is just stressed because I have to be out of the classroom for a day or so to deal with this. (Teacher problems…) The other part is just trying to relax, not stress about any of this, (Not likely…) and remember to take my fertility meds. Instead of re-hashing the excitement of another IUI cycle, I want to talk about a different side of fighting infertility issues: being too hopeful and fear of disappointment.

I really hope everything works this cycle. I really, really, really hope it works.

There is a lot going on this time around. I’m attempting to work on my health, write more, stay on top of things at work, etc. Unfortunately, all I can think about is trying to have a baby within the year. I have wanted to be a mother for so long that the thought of it hurts. I’m not kidding. I will physically and mentally hurt when it pops into my head.

My mind goes over every single person that I feel is affected or “wronged” because I struggle to get pregnant. The people I place in this category are my husband, my parents, my in-laws, my siblings, my living grandparents, my deceased grandparents, my friends, etc. I have a lot of people I feel like I have disappointed.

I know. I know. I haven’t disappointed anyone, but that is one of the sucky parts of infertility. Sometimes, you can’t seem to escape these feelings. I have been trying to become a mother for a while. Due to a lot of things that were out of my control, I didn’t start seriously trying until my honeymoon with Steve in April 2016. It’s now been almost 2 years since we started trying, and a year since I got diagnosed with PCOS. If I count the years of “trying” in my first marriage, I’ve been struggling for 6-7 years. Every month that ended without a pregnancy was another blow.

Even with all of the years of struggle, I still hope. It’s hard not to. I try not to get my hopes up each month, but I fail at that. Hoping too much is the worst. I actually hate being hopeful because I’m scared. Every cycle is a massive roller coaster. “Nah, it’s not going to happen. …. What if we have a girl?” It gets worse the closer to the cycle end I get. It probably drives my husband crazy.

So what do you do? Do you stop hoping? Do you ignore the feelings of disappointing others? I wish I knew. Maybe I should tamper down hope and ignore those negative thoughts. Let’s be honest. That’s not real life. I just have to face them and deal with it. I have to remind myself to stay grounded and/or that no one is disappointed. Easier said than done.

As a face another IUI and Two Week Wait, this is going to be something to consider. Hopefully, others who might read this won’t feel alone since this is an issue most of us deal with.

Here we go. Wish me sanity and luck.

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