I’m just going to be blunt and name today’s topic: the extreme highs and lows of a sibling having a baby while you still struggle to have your own. I am going to get this out the best that I can. Hopefully, it will help people understand what goes on.

On March 23rd, I became an aunt. My younger sister had her baby girl, and I am in love. Well, I am in love while sometimes crying and feeling extreme grief. When I am around my little niece, I coo, cuddle, sing to her, change diapers, etc. When I look at pictures my sister sends me, I show them off and exclaim over the amazing awesomeness of my niece. It is the most wonderful feeling seeing my little sister as a mom.

75% of the time, I feel this extreme joy and happiness. The other 25% is mixed with grief and sadness. I have cried in my car after a visit, on the phone with my mom, in my bed with my husband, etc. I absolutely hate feeling like this.

When I told friends of mine I was an aunt, some asked immediately if I was okay. I will admit that, at first, I just smiled and gave the okay. I didn’t want to admit that my heart was filled to the brim while breaking. Why should I be so sad? Part of me got annoyed because I felt that I was seen as the sad-sack woman. I wasn’t mad at anyone. It’s just how I felt. My feelings were flipping back and forth so often that it was making me exhausted and snappy. (Sorry, Steve.)

I felt worse because my sister had some complications with her c-section, my niece has jaundice, and my brother-in-law was beyond exhausted. Who was I to be extremely emotional and needy when they were going through so much? I thought this, even though no one said it.

One thing I do not feel is jealousy. I am not jealous of my sister.

If I picture how my mind works and acts with all of this, it’s like the movie Inside Out. Joy is fighting with Sadness, and it doesn’t seem to end.

I was ashamed of my feelings for a short amount of time, until I spoke to my mom and husband. They both told me it was okay to feel this way. I am allowed to feel great joy and grief right now. I have been through so much recently so I must allow myself to feel like this. It’s only been a week since I was told this, and I don’t feel ashamed of these emotions. I have not stopped grieving and feeling frustrated. That is just what it is right now. However, I still so happy and in awe of the little human I call my niece.

I hope this post shows just a little of what I feel. I know that it only scratched the surface, but it’s what I have for now. I’ll try to update as I move forward.

Steve and I had a follow up with our doctor at SGF-Atlanta on April 4. I’ll update on the next post. I also appeared on my friend’s podcast for her online magazine, The Educator’s Room, discussing being a teacher and dealing with infertility. (Thanks, Fran!!) Check it out here: https://theeducatorsroom.podbean.com/e/episode-67-dealing-with-infertility-as-a-teacher/

Until next time, keep drinking the water.

-Sarah